Four Horsewomen Of The Apocalypse

By: Axel Hardwicke

It’s no secret that I love Paris Hilton. Everyone knows it. Tatiana, my girlfriend of five years, knew it. We almost broke up because I insisted she dye her warm, rich, russet-brown hair platinum blonde and say “That’s hot!” when she liked something, instead of her usual “Awesome!” or “Wonderful!”

She hated the chihuahua I gave her. It constantly urinated on her favourite Reeboks so that when she went for a run in the park in the mornings, a gang of dogs followed her, salivating. An avid recycler, she found it hard to deal with the piles of magazines – Who Weekly, New Idea, Woman’s Day, New Woman, sometimes even Vogue – I insisted on keeping under our bed; all of them bearing an irreplaceable image of Paris.

It was a song that eventually broke us up. Most people have a song that brings them together. Like You Are The Sunshine Of My Life or The Blower’s Daughter (You know how it goes – “Can’t take my eyes off of you, can’t take my eyes of of you” ad infinitum.)
In our case the song that broke us up was Paris Hilton’s Stars Are Blind played on a loop, 24/7.

Tatiana stormed out, taking our collection of Le Creuset cookware and leaving behind the chihuahua.”You can stick Paris Hilton where the sun don’t shine,” she shouted as she slammed the door behind her. “You need to get some help.”

She was right, of course, I do need some help. My friend Selma believes that writing is as good as therapy (and a darn sight cheaper,) so I took her advice and poured my broken heart into writing. For four solid months I have written whenever I had the time. I finished today – the screenplay I was born to write.

It is about four women who wreak havoc as they ride on horseback throughout the world. Excessive, compulsive, obsessive party girls, selfish to the bitter end; hellbent on destruction, leaving a trail of broken hearts, empty bottles of Cristal and unpaid court costs behind them. War, Famine, Pestilence and Death got nothing on these gals.

I’m going to pitch the idea to Quentin Tarrantino through a friend of a friend. I see it as a kind of postmodern Kill Bill meets House Of Flying Daggers with a bit of The Good, the Bad & The Ugly thrown in. And my casting suggestions ?Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears, Nicole Richie and of course, Paris. No one could play the Four Horsewomen of the Apocalypse any better. Now “That’s hot!”

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