CONFESSIONS OF A MISANTHROPIC MIND #1.

In an effort to become a better person, to purify my heart and mind, I may on occasion need to use this blog to admit to the little idiosyncrasies I possess which if left unchecked may make me a borderline menace to society. It will be hard, but I am all for character building. So here goes.

Jean-Paul Sartre wrote :

‘Hell is other people.’

I would like to modify that quote by saying: ‘

Hell is other people on the road.’

I am talking in particular of the tailgater. You know the type – young guy in a pimped up Subaru Impreza, talking on his mobile, checking his hair in the rear-view mirror; driving so close I can see whether or not he has cleansed and toned before leaving home.

I don’t like tailgaters. They are a blight on society and dangerous to boot. I try to control myself when someone is tailgating me but more often than not my mischievous/vengeful nature comes to the fore. I cannot help but enact my dealing with tailgating protocol. The method is simple :
*turn on hazard lights
*reduce speed to a crawl
*position car firmly in the middle of the lane so the tailgater cannot get by
*pretend my car is either running out of gas or suffering a mechanical malfunction.

Apoplexy on the part of the tailgater usually ensues. There are lots of bulging veins, expletives involving unsavoury acts with people’s mothers, and horn blowing. It is very important to study the tailgater’s body language at this stage because it is imperative he doesn’t attempt to get out of the car. It’s a bit like that scene from Braveheart before the Scots charge the English, and Mel Gibson (as William Wallace) says over and over again :

HOLD HOLD!

Just when I think the tailgater’s going to blow, I pump the accelerator and take off. The look of disbelief on his face is exhilarating and makes me forget how annoyed I was at his behaviour in the first place.

Wow! My first confession out of the way. I really do feel better. Maybe confession is good for the soul. No more dealing with tailgating protocol for me. What a foolhardy, immature and potentially dangerous way to behave. I will reform. It will make me a better person.