Just Say ‘Ho!’

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Heather over at I’m Not Hannah first alerted me to this outrageous piece of news. This year Australian Santas are being encouraged not to say : ‘Ho Ho Ho’ because it may be offensive to women, what with the unsavoury connotations and all. What the?

Really and truly, how many little kids or even their Mums are going to get upset with a few ho hos? Just because Santa says ‘Ho’ doesn’t mean he wants to begin moonlighting as your pimp. He’s Santa, for God’s sake! He has a round face and a little round belly that shakes when he laughs like a bowl full of jelly. What’s pimp-like about that? Wait a minute, don’t answer that!

My friend, Holly, who is the world’s biggest stirrer – invited me to come on an expedition with her and her four year old daughter. The purpose of the expedition – to determine whether or not the true blue Aussie Santa still says ‘Ho!’

Little Lucy was so excited to be seeing Santa. She had pigtails with pink ribbons and a summer dress with cherries on it. Her Hello Kitty bag was bulging with notes she’d written to Santa, except that she can’t write yet so all of the notes consisted of a series of loops, squiggles and love hearts. ‘Awwww, she is so cute,’ I thought. ‘How can Santa not say ‘Ho’ to her?’

The first Santa was very PC. Slightly underweight with glasses that hung loosely on his crooked nose. Lucy bounded up to him holding out one of her notes. ‘Hello, hello, hello,’ he said. Lucy told him what she wanted – a Cinderella dress with a crown and glass slippers. He smiled and said he was sure she was on his nice list. ‘Mewwy cwistmas, Santa,’ she lisped. ‘And a merrrrry Christmas to you,’ he said.

Holly and I exchanged glances. This was it. The moment of truth. Santa stood up and rang his bell. “Merrrrrry Christmas!’ he cried, a phrase usually followed with ‘Ho. Ho. Ho.’ He rang the bell again.

‘Ho Ho,’ said Holly. Santa smiled weakly and rang his bell. ‘Hello, hello, hello,’ he said before turning away. Definitely a no-ho.

The second Santa was a throwback to yesteryear. Jolly and plump with twinkling eyes and a booming, yet kindly voice. Straight away Holly and I knew he was a ho-er. He rang his bell. ‘Ho Ho Ho!’ he cried. ‘Merrrrry Christmas.’

The third Santa was very young. He looked like he’d just been spray tanned. ‘It’s Malibu Ken Santa,’ said Holly.
‘Let it snow, snow, snow,’ he cried, ringing his bell. Another no-ho.

The fourth Santa had potential, he really did. As soon as I saw him – chubby in all the right places, carrying out the Santa wink and turn of the head to perfection – I had high hopes he was a ho-er. Holly had been coaching Lucy, encouraging her to ask Santa to say ‘Ho.’ When she finished telling him she would like ducklings and baby bunnies for Christmas Lucy paused for dramatic effect and said: “My mummy would like you to say ‘Ho Ho Ho.’ She says it’s the secret Santa language. Will you say it Santa, will you?”

I could see Santa was between a rock and a hard place. The dilemma was causing him anguish. His lips formed the words, he squirmed in his seat, he twisted his beard between shaking fingers. ‘Santa has to go, go, go,’ he said, running in the direction of the staff toilets. Another no-ho, but I think we almost turned him, I really do.

So there you have it, the insidious nature of political correctness has permeated the most strait-laced guy in the world – Santa Claus – all red and jolly and cowering in the corner, too afraid to say ‘Ho.’ Seems like we need a revolution where 50 Cent is hired to make a training video for Aussie Santas. His catchprase? ‘Just say Ho.’ I couldn’t agree more. Say it like you mean it!

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14 thoughts on “Just Say ‘Ho!’

  1. this is truly absurd.. i head about it earlier in the week.. and i cannot imagine living in the same world with people that think like this… what a petty excuse for human beings we have become……..

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  2. I think this is as unbelievable a thing as you do…I love the way you’ve written about it – I laughed out loud.

    I also started thinking though, about this whole PC business: shouldn’t we blame people like Don Imus for our lack of holiday hos? I mean, the more we blame the PCers (which I often do because I think PC, most of the time, is a crock), the more the liberals get the eyes of derision that they our ruining our happy society. How about blame Don Imus and his stupidity and racism for ruining our society.

    Think of it this way: in first grade, if one kid acts badly, everyone looses recess. When that happens, boy do we blame that kid, not the teacher. I think it should be thusly in the case of PC, who plays our teacher in this instance.

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  3. I’m still trying to figure out how you get on the memo list for “Important Announcements For Anyone Dressing Up As Santa.” Is that like a committee or something?

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  4. Laurie – glad you liked it. I’m getting some T-shirts printed as we speak – ‘Bring Back The Ho!’

    PWADJ – you are so right. The PC stuff is out of control. I heard about Don Imus on FOX news but I must admit I don’t know much about him. I think the closest Australian equivalent is Pauline Hanson, a politician who might as well have been running the Australian chapter of the Ku Klux Klan. Scary. I wonder if these people are aware of how much influence they wield.

    Mis Britt – LOL. I think there should be a committee and danger money. Dressing up as Santa isn’t what it used to be!

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  5. Desperatewriter – what I want to know is who finds these things offensive in the first place? It seems such an odd way of looking at things. HOHOHO!

    Meleah Rebeccah – HO HO HO. This is a PC free zone. We can all say HO HO as much as we like!

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  6. Some local authorities in the UK have excelled with their political correctness this year. Already anyone working with children, whether paid or voluntary, has to have a police check to make sure they’re not on a sex offender’s register.
    Guess what, in some places – just a few so far – they’ve introduced it for Santas. What’s worse, some businesses found out about it too late to get the check done in time.
    In some places in the UK, it’s a simple ‘no, no,no’ as far as Santas go.
    But the PC brigade will be rubbing their hands in glee.

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  7. Anthony – being a Santa is much more stressful than I imagined!

    Meleah – I love ’em too! Bring back the days of Firemen and Air Hostesses!

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