Poked And Prodded

So I probably mentioned a while back that I had an ear infection. Well, I still have it, although it is better. Did you know that even with the use of antibiotics it is quite common for ear infections to last up to 6 weeks?

I have been feeling fine and perfectly functional apart from the occasional bout of tottering (my balance is off.) I just pretend I’m drunk at 10AM, makes me feel like a bad ass rock star. I am also experiencing frequent bouts of deafness. It’s not really deafness so much as mishearing things like when people mishear song lyrics and think The Beatles Eight Days A Week goes :

‘ 8 days, Louise. I love you’

instead of

‘8 days a week. I love you.’

or go for

‘Blackbirds singing in my bed at night’

instead of

‘Blackbird singing in the dead of night’

Misheard lyrics are actually called mondegreens.

These two are absolutely priceless.

From Creedence’s Bad Moon Rising comes

‘There’s a bathroom on the right’

instead of

‘there’s a bad moon on the rise.’

and from Ghostbusters

‘Who ya gonna call?
Those bastards.’

Love it!

So my friend, Mel said to me. ‘I think you should go to the doctor about your hearing. I just asked you if you wanted to grab some lunch and you told me it was quarter past two.’ She’s right. I am mishearing things. So I went to see the doc.

* WARNING* The rest of this post may refer excessively to the word wax. So for the faint -hearted or the wax-phobic I suggest you stop reading right about here ^. However, if you have a wax-fetish like the man I saw on the Discovery Channel who liked to eat his girlfriend’s earwax as a form of foreplay (beyond disgusting,) please proceed.

My doctor is a woman and she’s very nice. Caring, concerned, genteel. But mention the word earwax and she gets a sadistic look in her eyes and a determined pucker to her lips. ‘Are you thinking what I’m thinking?’ she says as she snaps on a pair of rubber gloves. ‘I’m not sure?’ I reply wishing the receptionist would page her or there would be an emergency in the waiting room so I could make a hasty exit.

‘I’m thinking it’s a nice day for it,’ she goes on, delving into her steriliser.
‘A nice day for what?’ I stammer, hoping she’s going to say a walk in the park or a hot chocolate with marshmallows.

‘For syringing,’ she says. Towering above me in an evil, syringe-wielding silhouette.

I won’t be overly specific, but for those of you who’ve never had your ear syringed it involves pumping warm water into the ear canal and then sucking it back out again along with the dreaded wax. Sounds simple enough and possibly pleasant but let me tell you if your ear is in any way tender as mine was, pleasant is not the word that comes to mind.

‘Can’t we wait?’ I pleaded. ‘At least until my ear hurts less.’
‘Your ear is hurting because of the wax. We have to remove it.’

She flexed her syringe arm and told me to hold on to the arms of the chair. Now there are two things you don’t want your doctor to say. One is : ‘I have something to tell you. I think you should sit down.’ Followed very closely by ‘Hold on to the arms of the chair.’

She planted one foot firmly in front of the other, leaning slightly on an angle as if balancing while going around the corner in a bus, and began to syringe.

She syringed.

I closed my eyes tight and pretended I was walking through a waterfall.

She grunted.

I clenched my teeth and held my breath.

She syringed again.

I pretended the warm water running down my neck and onto my white T-shirt didn’t contain dead skin cells and wax.

She syringed once more.

Holy shit, I thought. Imagining myself lying back and thinking of England.

And then it was over.

I can’t say I felt better immediately but over the weekend my hearing and the pain has gradually improved. It’s good to feel somewhat normal but I will miss those hilarious mondegreens.

‘It’s been a hard day’s night
I should be sleeping with a hog.’

Aaaah, good times. No one writes lyrics like that anymore!

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17 thoughts on “Poked And Prodded

  1. Oh dear one I have a woman practitioner, one of my loveliest friends, who also gets the same nasty gleam in her eyes about doing the syringing. And it always makes me dizzy and nauseous, and makes her laugh.

    Remember, selective deafness can be a wonderful boon, properly applied. 🙂

    Hope you’re feeling better!

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  2. I have had that done more times than I care to relate. (Every two or three years. Apparently it’s chronic. Alas.)

    Funny how the pressure just sort of disappears eh?

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  3. I have one of those rubber ball syringes and have used it on myself years ago when I started to notice myself saying… ‘Huh, you talkin’ to me?’… a little too often. I feel more comfortable doing it myself than having someone else do it. But I gotta admit, I don’t think it’s as effective. 🙂

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  4. Oh… I just remembered this old song by The Go Go’s called “Alex the Seal.” I could’ve sworn it sounded like “our lips are sealed.” But maybe, I just need to clean my ears again.

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  5. LOL – sorry but I had to skip over after “eating ear-wax for foreplay”” LOL I do hope you get to feeling better. I would love to have you visit Slice of Life Sunday and write a story on one of my prompts. I do enjoy your perspective on life.

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  6. Hope you feel and hear better, never had that done to my ears, so I guess I have been lucky, I kept reading the whole thing, but the guy eating ear wax totally disgusted me BLAH! I was picturing this little doctor as I was reading – is she?

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  7. Gaah! the minute someone starts messing with my inner ears I get all dizzy, nauseated, and terribly cranky.

    Wait, I’m like that all the time… Now I’m not sure WHAT happens when my ears are irrigated.

    Glad you’re feeling better. Ear pain is such a nasty thing.

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  8. I’ve got one or two:

    I could have sworn the lyric to ‘When the going gets tough’ were ‘Go and get stuffed’; I heard, in Boney M’s ‘Rivers of Babylon’ the words ‘How shall we sing to Lawson in Australia?’ for ‘How shall we sing the Lord’s song in a strange land?’

    And, best of all, we were walking through a village called Oare, near here, when a car stopped, and a man wearing a clerical collar asked for directions to Oare House. Janet, who’s a little hard of hearing, nearly gave birth on the spot!

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  9. PAISLEY – selective hearing really is the way to go, especially when I’m being asked to iron shirts or some other domestic chore. And I am feeling much better!

    NANNA – what is it about doctors and syringes? It must be the same as dentists and drills. My cousin is a dentist and says when he starts up that drill before doing a filling, he is in his element. Sick bastard. Hehehe.

    NAT – so nice to meet you. I appreciate the visit. You are so right, the pressure disappears just like that. It is actually kind of freaky but it is great to hear again.

    CHRIS – Alex the Seal is one of my fave songs ever. That is hilarious. 😀

    CRICKET – sorry about the gross part. I will definitely take you up on visiting Slice Of Life. I was going to participate last week but ran out of time. This week I will definitely do it.

    TBALL – she is little. LOL. You’ve gotta watch out for the little ones. They don’t hold back!

    KAREN – it is horrible. I am feeling better. And you are not cranky all the time – you are LOVELY!

    TRAVELRAT -I can’t type for laughing. ‘Oare House.’ Good one. A friend of mine also thought it was ‘Go and get stuffed.’ Oh, these are just too funny. Hahahahaha.

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  10. Eating ear wax? That is so disgusting…I was eating breakfast as I was reading.

    I had problems with my ears about two years ago and was experiencing vertigo. There were a few times when I couldn’t walk without holding onto something. Once I actually had to crawl to the bathroom. It was not fun.

    I’m glad you’re feeling better.

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  11. I believe that one of the most famous misread lyrics was Jimi Hendrix “Scuse Me While I kiss the sky” heard as “Scuse me while I kiss this guy”!!!

    My personal one is when Pearl Jam debuted and I thought Eddie was singing “Jeremy’s smoking grass today” for “Jeremy spoke in class today”!!

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  12. Very well written Selma and gave me a good laugh. Yes I’m nasty like that, laughing at your expense, but to make it up to you, I’m glad you’re feeling better for the experience. Being selectively deaf is awesome….just weed out the stuff you don’t want to hear and you’re good to go for an easy life.

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  13. You’re one little blighter.

    Huh?
    No I said… look, read my lips Selma…

    You’re a wonderful writer.

    There’s a very good Youtube of a Creedence Clearwater Revival song with the mondegreen lyrics subtitled, sad thing is, until I saw it I thought I knew the words to that song and now when I hear it on the radio I get all confused.

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  14. LINDA – I am so sorry you were eating brekkie. Vertigo is awful. I occasionally experience it when walking down flights of stairs. It is very disorienting. Hope your ears are OK now.

    ROSHAN – Hahaha. That is hilarious. 😀

    GYPSY – you’re right. Just call me one of the Three Wise Monkeys – Little Miss Hear No Evil. It certainly would make life easier!

    ANGRY – I’m the same. I can no longer tell which one is which. Sometimes the wrong lyrics sound right, know what I mean?

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  15. I had a similar recent experience with a rectal probing ultrasound. It was a very harrowing experience that lasted a couple of minutes but it felt like hours. I was left in the examination room for 10 minutes nude with a huge glob of warm jelly between my legs and all over my backside. I felt victimized and abused. I took a long bath and have gathered myself mentally. I dunno if I will go back for the results. The doctor was not kind.

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  16. JOHNNY – are you sure you weren’t abducted by aliens? Only joking… any kind of ultrasound in the nether regions can be harrowing. Please go back and get those results, otherwise I’ll worry.

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