Looking Up At The Sun

Just like the song – I got sunshine on a cloudy day. She threw him out. After five days. My sister threw the bastard out.

‘It wasn’t a reconciliation,’ she insists. ‘I don’t know what it was. I felt sorry for him and I became confused but when he spoke I didn’t listen, I could feel myself switching off, so I knew in my heart it was all over.’

In some ways these past few days have been a necessary bane upon all of us. Closure. All the experts talk about it. How important it is when putting something to rest.

My sister had to see her ex again. She had to know once and for all that it would never have worked. She had to know for certain that she was immune from falling under his spell whenever he wanted her to.

She laid down ground rules. No drinking. No drugs. No sleeping in her bed. He followed them, but after two days she saw him dragging his feet, keen to stir things up.

‘He had that light in his eyes,’ she said. ‘An ugly light. Shuttered. That light stopped me from seeing what was in his heart. He didn’t want me to see what was in his heart because his heart was black, unchanged. So he had to go. He had to leave for good.’

All day it has been overcast. Grated gray clouds gather at the edges of the sky. The long, white curtains in the bedroom flutter with a winter-scented wind. I should be happy. I should be relieved, but I am worried the reprieve will be short-lived.

I scan the sky, hearing the birds call their brothers to shelter, holding out my hand as a clump of maple leaves fall, russet, tawny. I just need one glimpse, a hint, the palest of yellow glass. Searching, straining, I pray for a little bit of daylight.

And there it is. A glimmer. Tiny as a speck of glitter, watered down, fighting for survival in the worst of a winter afternoon, but enough. Sunlight.

Looking up at the sun gives me what I need on a day such as this. It may not be a sign that was sent to me, but I like to think that it is; this stubbornness of the dying light. Giving me hope, giving me faith in the power of being set free.

30 thoughts on “Looking Up At The Sun”

  3. BRITT – I’ve got that old Dusty Springfield song in my head right now :’Wishin’ and Hopin’ and Thinkin’ and Prayin’.’ I think it might be a good sign.

    PAISLEY – I know how hard it is for her. It probably will be for a long time to come. I suppose I’l just have to wait and see. I don’t know why – maybe I’m deluded – but I feel like it’s the end.

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  4. “…I could feel myself switching off…”, That is what happened to me when I left my first husband. I felt like I turned off my emotions like turning the handle on a faucet to shut off the water. It sounds like this may have been her ‘closure’. I hope it was.

    Take care.

    Toodles~

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  6. So, what next?

    I’d advise a house move, but that’s not always practicable, or practical.

    Certainly, a holiday, though, if she can afford it … or even a ‘girly weekend’

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  7. Wishin’ and hopin’ and prayin’ with you, too. I went through a similar situation with my ex, and had to do that last attempt at reconcilliation to finally get the switch to turn off.

    With all the support you and your family have given her she has a good chance of finally making it out of that mental, emotional, and physical hole he forced her into.

    So we will all keep wishin’ and hopin’ and prayin’ with you for your sister.

    Sagacious Woman

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  8. I truly hope this is the end. It sounds like it is, for your sister. Who knows what is going through his mind. The ideal next step should be a change of scenery, to put some distance between them, so that he can’t harrass her.

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  9. I really hope this time was the last time.

    I once went back to one of my ex’s for closure and I came home with a balck eye.

    Lesson Learnt.

    They are EX’s For a REASON!!

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  10. I’m singing right along with you! This may finally be the answer she’s been looking for as well; knowing, REALLY knowing he’s not the one for her. May her memory of this be long and strong.

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  11. I’ve read again and again that there is a crucial moment for most battered women that do get out that’s the final straw, that makes them act. Sometimes, when the monster in question hits a child for the first time instead of her etc….

    I truly, truly hope this is that moment for your sister, that final straw. These abusive men have such a hold on vulnerable women, in so many ways. With your family’s support and her resolve, there’s a good chance she will make it stick, this time.

    Hugs to you and your sister Selma and good positive thoughts, G

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  12. You know, the first thing I thought when I finished this was, “Oh, I hope.” I was struck by how many people said the same thing in their comments. It’s a good thing, hope. May it give both of you strength.

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  14. Was it closier of verification of why she knew it was over?
    I don;t think its the drugs or the booze that makes a persona what he/she is.
    What it does is knocks down the walls put up to block people from seeing who that person really is.

    I know some really nasty drunks but i know more happy people than nasty when they drink.
    Not that I’m advocating or justifying getting drunk or stoned, to each their own but its one way to see what a person is really like early instead of to late.

    The sun finds the smalles crevese to sneak through to brighten your day.

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  15. I once had a boyfriend – thank God only one – who mirrored for me the wound created by my afore mentioned step-father. He was incredibly verbally abusive. We were off and on for a couple of years…until one day. He was mimicking me crying, and something inside me simply turned off. I was just done. We were finished. We really were. I moved out within a week never to return. There is every reason in the world to hope your sister is feels the same. Take care.

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  16. I’m cheering inside. I just wish your sister didn’t feel she has to handle this stuff alone the whole time (ie, convincing your mum to leave; asking you and Aunt Jo to mind your own business a while back…). As Travelrat suggested, I think a girly weekend or a ladies’ night out is what she needs – some fun and laughter that only girls can have.

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  19. TRAVELRAT – she actually is thinking about moving – possibly to the US to live with our other sister for a while. She is applying for a few teaching positions at the universities there. I think it’s a fantastic idea.

    SAGACIOUS WOMAN – thank you so much for your support and I am really sorry you had to go through something similar. Getting that switch to turn off is important. I feel it means she’s ready to move on.

    INGRID – that’s what I wonder – what is he thinking? Can’t he see what he’s putting her through? My Mum thinks it’s because he’s in such pain himself that he wants everyone else to suffer too. If she moved overseas for a couple of years I would be delighted.

    MELEAH – Oh, my dear, I am so sorry. How dare he do that to you. I want to throw things when I hear about people I love being treated like that. You are so right – exes are exes for a reason.

    KAREN – I think it’s the long awaited lightbulb moment. Long may that light shine!

    GERALDINE – you’re right. From what I’ve heard it’s like a moment of epiphany. You suddenly say to yourself : ‘I am worth so much more than this.’ It was a long, hard road but I think we got there in the end!

    HEATHER – hope: one of the nicer four-letter words. It rolls nicely off the tongue, doesn’t it? It’s springing eternal for me at the moment.I love those monster avatars. Soooo cute. Lucky you to get the Christmas tree one.

    WALKER – I think it was a bit of both. I know some very happy drunks too. I used to be one. I’d sing the entire Lennon & McCartney songbook after a bottle of wine. Unfortunately, I can’t stomach booze at the moment (hormonal problems) but I do miss the feeling of euphoria. It’s funny about the sun. I used to sing this song at school called ‘Turn On The Sun.’ One of the lines was “bad times are out, good times are in. Turn on the sun let’s smile again.” Words to live by.

    HOLLY – I am so sorry you had to go through that but glad you reached that point where you could leave. A couple of friends have told me the same thing when breaking up with their exes – that something just switched off. I wasn’t sure it could happen just like that but now I know it can. Thanks so much for sharing your stories. I really appreciate it.

    DAOINE – that is definitely the way to go. We need to do something really silly to take our minds off things. I’m thinking male strippers. Love those oiled-up abs! 😉

    NAT – oh, I hope so too. I’m a little bit on tenterhooks about it really, but I’ll just have to remain strong and focussed and pray he’ll leave her alone from now on….

    SNACKIEPOO – if this post has helped you in any way I am really glad. I hope you are OK. Take care. XX

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  22. Your sister now knows she can make it without him but sometimes we just need to know for sure. I think she does now and her new life starts right now…I hope the sun continues to shine on all of you.

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  23. Ouch! Painful stuff. When it hurts more to be with someone than it does to face loneliness then you know its time for it to be over. But I’m talking beyond my experience here.

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  24. This reminds me of my sister and her ex, and what she put us through while she went through it. People say it’s “their” life, but when you love someone, you go through it with them regardless on whether they ask you to or not.

    This is extraordinary writing – just beautiful!

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  25. GYPSY – now she knows for sure. At least I hope she does. Oh Gypsy, there has been so much to-ing and fro-ing with this that I just can’t let myself believe it might be over. It seems to be tempting fate somehow. But the sun is out and the birds are singing, so maybe it really is happening. XX

    RWHACKMAN – I am so glad you haven’t experienced anything like that. It is no fun. You’re right about it being time for it to be over. 100%.

    TEXASBLU – oh, how nice to hear from you. How have you been? So sorry to hear about your sister. That’s the hardest part isn’t it? Watching it all go down time after time. I am feeling quite drained. I hope all is well with your sister now!

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  28. I’ve been absent from blogging pretty much because of summer – it’s busier for me than the winter months. 😛 Things look like they may start slowing down, so I may get to enjoy Summer yet! I think I will go ahead and join Slice of Lifee – I see that she allows you all week to post – I need that kind of flexibility. 😉

    BTW – I have blogrolled you – I kept loosing your url and would have to catch you on other people’s blogs. Hope you don’t mind. 🙂

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  29. Good for your sister as hard as it may be … I wish her well. She is free now and there definitely is light at the end of the tunnel.

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  30. TEXASBLU – summer is a time for getting out and about. Good on you. I am honoured to be on your blogroll. I will definitely return the favour. Thank you.

    KATE – I think the light is there too. I hope it is. XX

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