Sometimes I dream of the days when I was single. Not for the reasons you might think. No, I do not long for the ability to come and go as I please; the power to watch whatever I want on TV; or even, being answerable only to myself.
One thing is driving me to dream of the single girl I used to be. It is a common complaint that afflicts hundreds of thousands, if not millions of people all over the world.
It is quite innocuous, really. A soft whistling or fluttering vibration is how it’s described in the Oxford Dictionary.
Can’t be that bad, you say.
But that soft whistling or fluttering can very quickly turn to a loud grunting or snorting that sucks all of the oxygen out of the room and fills your nights with dreams of earthquakes and toppling buildings. It is like trying to sleep through a hurricane or an attack of wild boar. Yes, dear friends, I am talking about snoring.
The flapping of the tissues lining my husband’s nasal passages, the vibration of his soft palate, causes such turbulent air flow that I would not be able to tell if a B52 Bomber flew overhead in the middle of the night.
Or if the sky fell in.
I cannot sleep. Worse than that, I dread going to bed because I know the choir of pigs singing in an air tunnel is going to keep me awake all night.
One thing you discover when you try to find a solution for snoring is that many of the products don’t work. Nasal sprays, nasal strips, homeopathic drops, pills, mouthguards all claim to cure the problem almost overnight, but none of them work. None.
The chin pillow. Snorers wear it round their necks while sleeping, because you know it’s not enough that your snorting and grunting is enough to keep an entire neighbourhood awake; it’s important that you look ridiculous to boot. Just imagine the nightly routine – cleanse, tone, moisturise, brush teeth, put on PJs, put on chin pillow…..
I love my husband dearly but a snoring precedent has already been set. There are lots of chronic snorers out there –
Pinocchio. That big nose has got to be a problem.
The Elephant Man. I know he had a terrible life and all and I’m being very cruel and tacky but his snoring must have brought the house down.
David Gest. Rumour has it that his snoring was the real reason he and Liza Minnelli split.
Jar Jar Binks. Need I say more?
And they all had one thing in common.
I’m not planning to pull the plug or anything, but snoring is best done alone in a sound-proofed room, preferably a bomb shelter. Or on an uninhabited island. I’m just sayin’……