All Snored Out

Sometimes I dream of the days when I was single. Not for the reasons you might think. No, I do not long for the ability to come and go as I please; the power to watch whatever I want on TV; or even, being answerable only to myself.

One thing is driving me to dream of the single girl I used to be. It is a common complaint that afflicts hundreds of thousands, if not millions of people all over the world.

It is quite innocuous, really.ย  A soft whistling or fluttering vibration is how it’s described in the Oxford Dictionary.

Can’t be that bad, you say.

But that soft whistling or fluttering can very quickly turn to a loud grunting or snorting that sucks all of the oxygen out of the room and fills your nights with dreams of earthquakes and toppling buildings. It is like trying to sleep through a hurricane or an attack of wild boar. Yes, dear friends, I am talking about snoring.

The flapping of the tissues lining my husband’s nasal passages, the vibration of his soft palate, causes such turbulent air flow that I would not be able to tell if a B52 Bomber flew overhead in the middle of the night.

Or if the sky fell in.

I cannot sleep. Worse than that, I dread going to bed because I know the choir of pigs singing in an air tunnel is going to keep me awake all night.

One thing you discover when you try to find a solution for snoring is that many of the products don’t work. Nasal sprays, nasal strips, homeopathic drops, pills, mouthguards all claim to cure the problem almost overnight, but none of them work. None.

I am becoming so desperate I have even considered buying this – image1

The chin pillow. Snorers wear it round their necks while sleeping, because you know it’s not enough that your snorting and grunting is enough to keep an entire neighbourhood awake; it’s important that you look ridiculous to boot. Just imagine the nightly routine – cleanse, tone, moisturise, brush teeth, put on PJs, put on chin pillow…..

I love my husband dearly but a snoring precedent has already been set. There are lots of chronic snorers out there –

pinocchio

Pinocchio. That big nose has got to be a problem.

the-elephant-man-4-1024

The Elephant Man. I know he had a terrible life and all and I’m being very cruel and tacky but his snoring must have brought the house down.

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David Gest. Rumour has it that his snoring was the real reason he and Liza Minnelli split.

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Jar Jar Binks. Need I say more?

And they all had one thing in common.

Single

Single

Single

Single

I’m not planning to pull the plug or anything, but snoring is best done alone in a sound-proofed room, preferably a bomb shelter. Or on an uninhabited island. I’m just sayin’……

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34 thoughts on “All Snored Out

  1. First of all, that was hilarious! You’re writing talent doesn’t stop at comedy.

    Second, how about this: earplugs and those nasal strips that are supposed to open the passages. Though, I suppose snoring happens further back in the gullet.

    I would go nuts not being able to have a quiet room to sleep in each night. That, my dear, is true love. ๐Ÿ˜‰

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  2. I am not exactly a comic writer, but the situation is fairly comic. Sadly, I am like Aretha. As she says on her album – Aretha Sings The Blues – I am laughing on the outside, crying on the inside.

    I have earplugs but they don’t work. The nasal strips have also proven to be useless. And I need some sleep….

    It’s either true love or true madness. ๐Ÿ˜ฏ

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  3. “I cannot sleep. Worse than that, I dread going to bed because I know the choir of pigs singing in an air tunnel is going to keep me awake all night.”

    When I read that line to Killer, she said, “I did not write that, you know.”

    Evidently, my CPAP isn’t cutting down on my snoring as much as I thought it had.

    But, even on my worst nights, I could never hold a candle to LOTM’s snoring. It could be heard in every room of the house, even through closed doors. His father is even worse…

    You have my sympathy and total understanding. Um, Killer says the same thing… (she doesn’t snore loud, but she does talk. A LOT…)

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  4. Oh what a lousy problem to have Sel, ๐Ÿ˜ฆ I feel for you. I hope you find the right solution to this. Im a wreck without sleep. And I am not a good sleeper at the best of times (too many thoughts racing…) can you relate?

    Hugs dear and take care, G

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  5. I was going to comment on your previous post ( the deer)but I just could not bring myself to do it . I find the way you put a smile on this seemingly tragic situation superb. I used to snore when I took Xanax. I quit taking it and quit snoring. I hope you find a solution. Bukowski has a good description of snoring in his poem “Flophouse”.

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  6. Selma I am so with you! If I can fall asleep before my husband I don’t hear it. So I either go to bed early, but he tends to follow me quite quickly as he doesn’t like to stay alone. Or if he falls asleep on the sofa, which he often does, I slip away. He’ll show up some time in the night when I’m fast asleep. I do feel sorry for him because the snoring interrupts his sleep too.

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  7. Luckily neither My Dearest or I have a bad snoring problem. I liked the humour in this, but it IS a problem. But you’re wrong that there isn’t a remedy for it. There is. Deafness.

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  8. Ouch, what a problem you have there.

    I don’t envy you.

    And I’d better say a prayer thanking the man upstairs now, for I can sleep through an earthquake, so I can sleep through when my husband snores.

    I really can’t hear anything when I’m asleep, not even when the fire alarm goes off (I have the ability to work any alarm into my dream, turning it into some nice tune) singing in the background.

    Maybe you can try turning the snores into your favorite musics? ๐Ÿ™‚

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  9. TRAVELRAT:
    I have tried ear plugs but they kind of make my ears sore or else fall out. I’m thinking maybe gaffer tape!

    KAREN:
    Please extend my sympathies to Killer. LOL. The problem with snoring is that the snorer usually can’t hear themselves so they don’t understand what all the fuss is about. Just tell Killer to talk a little louder!

    GERALDINE:
    I am a bad sleeper anyway, it’s true. You are so kind to send hugs. Thank you!!!

    PUNATIK:
    That deer story was a hard one to write and probably even worse to read. I do feel bad for putting you through that, but it was in my head and you know what that’s like.

    With things like snoring even though you end up dead tired as a result you still have to laugh about it. The odd thing is I have mentioned it to so many people who have said they experience the same thing. If I was an inventor I’d devise a foolproof method of stopping it and make a fortune. I’m going to read ‘Flophouse’ later. Thanks for the tip!

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  10. MAMA ZEN:
    I know what you mean about throwing a lot of elbow. Oh, that is priceless. ๐Ÿ˜†

    LISSA:
    It was fun to write about it. Made me feel better about not getting any sleep (I think).

    MELEAH:
    I’ve got to say that separate bedrooms are looking good right now. Now that would be bliss. Hahahaha.

    LAURI:
    It is such a problem, isn’t it? I had no idea it was so widespread. We have to come up with a solution. We’d be rich overnight. LOL.

    ANTHONY:
    Deafness is definitely the ultimate solution. ๐Ÿ˜€

    MOTHER HEN:
    Let’s just say that this type of snoring could never be classified as music. I envy your ability to sleep through anything. Must be wonderful!!

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  11. Guffaw! Seriously though it’s quite the problem. The Man is not quite a snorer… he breaths loudly and smacks… makes me insane.

    Does he have apnea? Can you banish him to another bedroom once a week?

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  12. I can’t remember the brand of earplugs we used in the Air Force … all I remember is they came in a blue and yellow pack. But, they enabled us to sleep in a C-130, and anything that can deaden the sound of four Allison turbo-props should block the sound of the loudest snorer.

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  13. Can you banish him to another bedroom once a week? -Nat

    When a good friend told me that he and his wife (also a friend of mine) were sleeping in separate bed rooms. I first thought Oh no! But then he explained that it was because of his VERY LOUD SUPERSONIC snoring. It would keep her awake and she would elbow him to stop snoring which wake him up โ€“ so the end result was neither of them gota good nightโ€™s rest. separate bedrooms was a good solution for them. I did some research on married couples sleeping in separate rooms and itโ€™s actually not that uncommon.

    Great post, Selma, thanks for the laugh.

    DavidM

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  14. Ear plug expert here. If they make your ears sore, fall out, or don’t work, they aren’t the right kind. They should be soft and extremely malleable to the point of sliding right in and expanding to the exact shape of your ear so they can’t fall out, no noise can get in and they are too soft to make your ears uncomfortable. Don’t give up until you’ve tried them all. I swear I have snore-proof ear-plugs made of foam. My spouse also uses them when I have a cold and I snore.

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  15. hang in there Selma.

    I found this post to be pretty funny, but I can’t imagine the pain of being with a snorer!

    I couldn’t do it.

    Hats off to you for making it this far and good luck, godspeed.

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  16. I couldn’t help laughing – what a great post! I sympathize with the snoring! I may be single but I have to deal with little Mica’s snoring some nights. You would be amazed at the sounds that come out of her! Although they do not sound like bomber jets! I do hope you get some sleep I know what many sleepless nights can do…

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  17. I can’t hear my husband snoring because it turns out I am snoring louder! I don’t know when that happened….. and I don’t believe them because it is so unladylike. ๐Ÿ™‚ However, I did catch myself last night. My own snoring WOKE me up….

    Bon chance with the chin puller upper. It’s downright sexy. ๐Ÿ™‚

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  18. NAT:
    I don’t have a spare bedroom so I’ve been sleeping with cotton wool in my ears. It works initially but after a few hours the snoring seeps through. The living room couch and I have become very good friends!

    BRAD:
    I have a friend who has sleep apnea and I agree, it is incredibly scary. I appreciate you stopping by!

    CAS:
    Oh, I am so sorry you can relate. I truly sympathise!!!

    TRAVELRAT:
    I’m going to the Army Disposal shop tomorrow. I would sell my soul for those earplugs…

    DAVID:
    Oh, I agree. It’s much more common than people let on. Supersonic is definitely the way to describe it – and it’s not in a groovy 70s kind of way!

    EMPLOYEE 3699:
    I could do that. It’s not desirable but it would work. I didn’t realise your hubby travelled so much – you must miss him.

    QUERULOUS SQUIRREL:
    I didn’t know ear plugs could do that. It is now my quest to find them. Thanks so much for the tip!

    OTTO:
    Once I get those magic earplugs all will be help. I have hope in my heart and a spring in my step. Cheers!

    TBALL:
    So many dogs snore. I remember one of my dogs used to. Such a little guy but a huge snorer. It was really cute!

    DANA:
    That is hilarious. I can hardly type for laughing. You are a character. ๐Ÿ˜†

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  19. I just googled “why can’t snorers hear themselves” and came across your story. Wish I could laugh at it, but it hits too close to home. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ I TOTALLY feel your pain. Even banishing my guy (or myself) to another room wouldn’t help. I’m currently in the living room with the TV on. He’s in bed at the other end of the house (about 35 feet away) with the bedroom door closed and I can STILL hear him snoring!!!

    Try the “Quiet Time” ear plugs. They’re purple foam, rated up to 33 decibels. About $9 for 50 pair at Walmart. They seem to work fairly well. Not 100%, but usually well enough to let me fall asleep a little sooner.

    Hopefully though I won’t need them much longer. Hubby went in a few nights ago for a sleep study and was diagnosed with *very severe* obstructive apnea. He’ll be going back in next week to be fitted with a C-PAP, so hopefully we’ll both sleep much better very soon.

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  20. Hi TAMMY,
    I really appreciate your comment. I’m going to invest in some of those ear plugs although my hubby’s problem has improved somewhat. However, I do worry about apnea. I am glad it was discovered on your hubby’s part because I have heard it can be dangerous if left undiagnosed. Wishing you both blissful and quiet nights from now on. Sleep well!

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  21. Oh Sel, I’m laughing so hard, but I’m also right there with you b/c my dear Gem has always snored like you describe so well. He uses those nose strips and they help a little, a VERY little, but he thinks they help a lot. (What does he know; HE’S ASLEEP!) Earplugs have worked for me to a point because I’m a VERY light sleeper or there’s the guest room option. There’s only so long one can go without sleep. Good luck!

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  22. GEL:
    I have tried the earplugs but am also a light sleeper. I have found that staying up until I am in a semi-comatose state works because I am so tired I just drop off straight away. It does mean, however, that I don’t get enough sleep. I love how you say :’What does HE know. He’s asleep.’ Precisely. Sometimes all you can do is laugh ๐Ÿ˜€

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