Remember that Blood, Sweat & Tears song (well, some of you young ‘uns might not) Spinning Wheel?
What goes up must come down
spinning wheel got to go round
Talking about your troubles it’s a crying sin
Ride a painted pony
Let the spinning wheel spin
Sometimes my life is like a song and lately it has been Spinning Wheel. I have always loved this song. It has a killer arrangement, fabulous horn section and psychedelic lyrics. Pretty much ticks all the boxes for me.
But it’s the sentiment expressed in the lyrics that fit me at the moment.
Everything comes full circle. To experience real emotional pain is difficult to write about. You actually get tired of going on about it.
You also get tired of constantly employing all the little strategies that help you deal with it. The long walks, the yoga, the vitamin supplements, the positive headspeak, the taking things day by day, the letting things go. The waiting. The endless waiting.
Keeping a breakdown at bay is a full time job. You teeter on the brink of a cliff with barely a foothold. The black sea below looks incredibly inviting.
You feel like taking an axe to people with their constant positive affirmations and assurances that things can only get better. Tell that to my fragile psyche, you feel like shouting. This is a daily battle for me that’s been going on for years and I’m tired of it. I just want some peace from constantly trying to stop myself from descending into full metal jacket insanity.
When you’re deep within the swirling vortex of mental agony that has a half-life longer than plutonium you do not believe you will ever make it back up to the sunlight. But you do. Because the wheel turns whether you want it to or not. For good or for bad things just cannot stay the same.
So when the sun is out but you can’t see it no matter how hard you try – don’t give up. For the wheel is turning as you look. Do what you have to do to get through the day. Hold on. Ride that painted pony and let the spinning wheel fly….