Make It Go Away

The prompt for Carry On Tuesday this week is from an anonymous poem entitled Farewell.

Don’t speak, words will only steal the moment…

This story involves a man and a woman breaking up.

Make it go away. The hurt. You could do it. Just tell me it didn’t happen. Tell me you made the whole thing up.

The whole thing with her.

I always said it, didn’t I? It was my mantra. You cheat, you’re out. You cheat, you’re history. Completely black and white.

Except that now that it’s happened I don’t want you to go.

We have slept together for the last time. Four hours ago and you’re still here. We sit at opposite ends of the room, upright, well-postured as if we are in a waiting room. Waiting for one of us to get up and signify the end.

I can smell you on my skin. Sugar-water and tobacco. It’s the last time I will smell it.

Make it go away. The thrust and the ache.

How could you do this and still look at me? How could you tell another woman our secrets? She is older, she is plain, she is frumpy. Why would you have her when you can have me?

My friends will berate me for sleeping with you one last time, but you are still mine as long as you are in the room and the quiet covers the walls with crystals.

You are not going to her. You swear it. But you are not staying with me. It is hard to believe that a man who had two women at the same time could settle for no women at all.

I was angry. I could have killed you. I thought of it. But then I would have mourned you twice. So instead I took it. The sweep of your infidelity.

The floor has a carpet of shadows. Obtuse angles that crowd the corners.

The windows are speckled with dirt. Like tears. One of the curtains is yellowing at the edges.

This morning I saw my face in the mirror. My eyes were curious, a lost child looking for the right direction home. I said to myself: Is this really happening? Has he really tied my heart to the back of his car and dragged it through the roughened city streets?

Things like this don’t happen to me. I am a success. I am entertaining. I am beautiful.

I am not enough.

When we met I knew. Knew it was you. The one who would stop the clamour and the shouting. That is the hardest thing to take. There won’t be one like you again. Not for me.

I have slept with the light on since I heard. When the end of the world comes the house grows unfamiliar. The walls are full of questions, recriminations.

Make it go away. I can’t breathe for thinking of it.

Me without you.

It doesn’t add up.

You’re on your feet. I knew it would be you to go first.

You kiss me, but you do not hold me. That part of our life has gone.

I want you to say my name one last time. I want to hear it fall from your lips as if you really know me.

You falter but say nothing. It’s probably best you don’t speak, words will only steal the moment.

You leave, closing the door behind you. The last thing I will ever see you do.

The emptiness shreds the air. I don’t know if I’m alive or dead.

This wordless goodbye. It’s good. It’s all good.

I want to remember you in silence.

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19 thoughts on “Make It Go Away

  1. NANNA:
    The break up is the universal story, I think. Nothing seems to hurt quite as much.

    ANTHONY:
    Cheers. I really appreciate you saying that!

    GAUTAMI:
    I hear ya. Unfortunately, I have also been there. 😦

    Like

  2. Not exactly “been there,done that” but I can relate to this story in another way. You’ve done the theme justice Sel. Dare I say it but MEN CAN BE SUCH CREEPS!!!! Not all of them of course but why do so many of them find it so easy to cheat on a woman that they supposedly love. LOL, that ain’t love honey!!!!

    Good one Sel, you’ve captured the emotions so well too.

    Hugs, G

    Like

  3. Ohhhh, I am so sorry to read this. This post was so real and descriptive; it brought all of the feelings from my worst breakup right here to my living room. That means two things: your writing is so good that it unlocked those emotions, and I have empathy for what you’re feeling. Maybe not exactly because no two people can feel *exactly* the same… But that’s the beauty, isn’t it?

    Like

  4. The feeling is genuine. The clawing desperation pacing with the limpness of despair – my sister slept with her ex before he was her ex… I never understood that either. Apparently it’s pretty common though….

    good stuff. 😉

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  5. We’ve all been there, and we’ve all gotten to a place (or WILL get there) where we were able to put it behind us.
    Time is a wonderful healer–and this is great writing, Selma.

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  6. MELISSA:
    It truly is one of those scenarios many of us can relate to in one way or another. Sadly…..

    GERALDINE:
    It happens. I have come to the conclusion infidelity is really nothing to do with love. But that is a post for another day. I hear ya about the creep factor. I have seen women act like creeps too, interestingly enough.

    ACHIEVINGMYSELF:
    I’m really glad to have met you. You really are a breath of fresh air. Love your outlook!

    MAMAZEN:
    Thank you, Mama. I really appreciate it!

    MELEAH:
    Oh yeah, the break up will get you every time. If my hubby and I ever split up I will remain single forever in order to avoid any further break up pain. Owch.

    TEXASBLU:
    I know quite a few people who have done it too. I guess it’s a way of saying goodbye. I think it would make the pain of parting worse, but then that’s just me. I like how you describe it as ‘clawing desperation.’ That’s what I was aiming for. Cheers, hon.

    JOANNA:
    Thank you so much. I do so appreciate your visits and your support!

    TIMOTEO:
    I never used to believe that time healed in the way it does, but I have seen it, experienced it and know it too be true. We’ve just got to hold on!

    Like

  7. Hi GYPSY,
    There is a bit of stark reality overload, for sure. I actually felt quite drained after writing this. There really is no way to lighten it up. Next time I’ll have to do a happy tale!

    Like

  8. very sad and with much sorrows and pain, and quite realistic, I like the style and the way it is presented, like hearing her thoughts in secret, the overwhelming flow of emotions and the quietness at the end, subtle and powerful

    Like

  9. Hi LISSA,
    I really like that point you made like you were hearing her thoughts in secret. i really appreciate your insights because you often see things I didn’t see myself!

    Like

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