Conversations

My Dad has been feeling a bit down about having cancer. He actually used the word depressed. That in itself is a bit of a breakthrough because for years and years he has avoided even mentioning the word – particularly when it applies to me.

I am pleased he said it because I do believe that facing depression, calling it what it is, is the best way to start tackling it.

There are many peculiarities I have found about  depression but one of them is that I find it very hard when people I know and love are depressed. It is hard when someone goes through something you have gone through or are going through because you know what it’s like, you know how bad it can get and you just don’t want them to have to go through it.

However, yet another peculiarity about depression is that when you have experienced it yourself you are able to talk about it freely with other sufferers.

My Dad and I have talked for days. About fear. What we are afraid of. What we don’t want to happen. What we would do if what we didn’t want to happen, happened.

You might think it would be frightening to talk about your greatest fears. It is confronting but it is not necessarily frightening and there is an odd kind of comfort in knowing that deep down many of us fear the same things.

Not being good enough.

Being in pain.

Letting people down.

Running out of time.

Not sure what our purpose is.

There are many more. Tormenting us at three in the morning. But if depression has taught me anything it is that talking about things helps. Really. A lot. And the talking often means that the light in the room eventually comes back on again.

It is understandable that my Dad should be depressed, should even be afraid, but if I have anything to do with it he will face it and talk it out and talk it out some more. Until the fear is gone.

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16 thoughts on “Conversations

  1. Oh, Selma. I hat that you are going through this, but how lovely to be able to share these words with your father. I’m so…”happy for you” isn’t right, but I think you know what I mean.

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  2. I bet you are that light in the room for your Dad at the moment and conversely, he is also helping you without even realising it. I hope the load is made more bearable for both of you by sharing. Big hugs Sel.

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  3. It really is amazing how often just the speaking out of what troubles us is enough to lay those troubles to rest. I know you’ve had problems with your parents, and I’m glad, at least with your father, you are finding a way through.

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  4. I’m so glad your father and you have got here after everything that has happened. I hope your understanding of each other gets stronger and better.

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  5. I agree with Lauri. When I’m down , just speaking about it with someone who understands, and who knows me really helps. I wish the best for your dad and I’m happy to hear he has his daughter to confide with.

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  6. HEATHER:
    it is good to get that dialogue going. I know exactly what you mean. Sometimes positives unexpectedly emerge from negatives!

    GYPSY:
    I think the sharing has helped immensely. You are right – it has really helped me too!

    LAURI:
    It truly is amazing. Talking! Who would’ve thought it could be so therapeutic? I am glad my Dad and I have sorted things out!

    KATE:
    I hope so too. I think it will. There’s no point in returning to the bad old days and ways now!

    PUNATIK:
    I think you’ve hit on one of the key points there and that is to talk with someone who knows you. It really makes a difference because that trust is there and you know they’re not going to go and blab about it afterwards. Unless they’re a blogger of course 😉

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  7. I wish it wasn’t cancer that brought you two closer to being able to discuss depression. Yet, the bright side is that you are communicating openly together between loved ones. It must feel great to be letting these feelings flow both ways. I wish the best for you and your dad.

    Hugs,
    gel

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  8. Hi GEL,
    Thank you so much for your kind wishes. You’re so right to focus on the bright side. That’s what I’m trying to do. The silver lining is always there if you look hard enough.

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  9. I know things are really tough for your father but he is SOOO lucky to have you to talk to. You are right it does help to talk. I never talked to anyone when I was depressed and I am sure that is why I stayed under its shadow for so long.

    I often talk about it now – mostly to others who have been through it. I can talk for hours, days, weeks probably – making up for all those years when I didn’t talk I suppose.

    I wish you both the very best

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  10. Hi RELUCS,
    Your point about being able to talk about it for hours is very poignant for me because for the longest time I didn’t talk about it. Those were the dark old days. Thank goodness for blogging. Better than therapy!

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  11. That fear is going to be a daily thing for your dad for awhile! I don’t think you ever don’t have that fear of what will happen, I don’t want to die etc….

    I know talking about it helps and it does help even more if it is with someone who is going or has gone through what you are going through. I wish you were here, we would be able to talk for hours and hours – I know if I can’t get it out I write. Tell your dad that he is so lucky to have you!

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  12. TBALL:
    We would talk for days, wouldn’t we? The fear is completely natural, of course, but I think if you can’t talk about it, it just becomes overwhelming. Your support and advice has been invaluable during this time. I can’t thank you enough!

    NAT:
    I think it has already and it is amazing how doing things together makes it easier to face the frightening situations. Thanks for your kindness!

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