Mixed Nuts

Litlte random thoughts from me to you….

* I have been using a laptop with a touch pad for the past 8 years and now that I have the new computer I have a wireless mouse. After several weeks I have come to the conclusion that  I suffer from Wireless Mouse Dysfunction. That lil ole mouse has a mind of its own. All over the screen like a maniac. Sometimes he just won’t do what he’s told. I need to lean all the way to the end of the desk which is five and a half feet long to get that little sucker to stay on the page. It is an embarrassing problem. I mean, who can’t use a mouse? My family are laughing at me. They think my Wireless Mouse Dysfunction is almost as bad as my Angle Parking, which I think is very unfair. There should be no geometry whatsoever in parking – especially at 45 degrees in reverse. That’s just sick. I’m not the only one who has trouble.  Either way, I am a laughing stock.

* I was in a lift with this guy the other day and he farted. It was one of those bullet farts. You know the ones. It was so loud and so bullet-like I was convinced there was a sniper in the elevator shaft. I think that I must be a simple soul because it made me laugh. I always laugh at farts. Always. It doesn’t matter who does the fart – I will laugh. I’m easily pleased like that. I would even laugh at the Pope’s fart in spite of it being tantamount to sacrilege. Anyway, the guy who farted got annoyed with me. You shouldn’t laugh, he said. It’s embarrassing enough. You’re very rude.

You’ve got a nerve calling me rude, I said. You’re the one who farted.

* Don’t you hate it when you go to the cafe and the person in front of you in the queue orders the last pain au chocolat? And you get a plain croissant instead and spend the time it takes to eat it and drink your coffee thinking how much nicer it would be if there was a little bit of chocolate? And then you see the person who got the last pain au chocolat leave the cafe and you glance over at their table to see that more than half of the longed for delicacy is left on the plate?

* Having worked in retail on and off for many years I thought I had heard every demanding customer story in the book. A friend of mine who is a barista and makes approximately 500 coffees per day (which really is worth a point all of its own) told me about this one customer he has who orders bizarre things like half espresso, half decaf with a drop of hot milk that must be placed into the coffee with an eyedropper so it’s just the right amount. She is a barrister and threatens to take legal action if anyone refuses to make her coffee. My friend had to go and buy an eyedropper just to keep her happy. Some people really are too much, aren’t they?

* Something thrilling happened to me when I was bringing in my recycling bin tonight. I saw this guy in the Maple tree in the school behind our house.

He is a Tawny Frogmouth and looks like an owl even though he isn’t. He is nocturnal and lives mostly on insects. Get this – the guy eats cockroaches. I want to adopt him.

During the day he camouflages himself high up in a tree and sleeps. I think he might be living in the tree that grows over our garage. I am so excited about this because you know how much I love my birds. I think he might be a little good luck charm sent to me by the gods.

Prior to this I had only seen a Tawny Frogmouth at the zoo. I am elated.

*Image by Alicia Carter courtesy of WIRES.

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26 thoughts on “Mixed Nuts

  1. I am still laughing about the farter in the elevator! (1) Farts are ALWAYS funny, even when they’re super gross and (2) who gets mad when they fart in public and someone laughs about it? That’s about the best reaction you can hope for!

    Also, that bird is GORGEOUS!

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  2. I have a friend who farts while watching TV, so does his brother. They act like nothing has happened. I think it is funnier than the fart itself. I look over at them, and they just keep watching the screen. I can’t help myself…I usually say something like ” Was that the rafter cracking?” “Did you see lightning ?, ’cause I just heard thunder.” Both of them don’t even try to make it a silent one, they just let them rip…must run in the family.

    An eye dropper ? you gotta be kidding me. I put the grinds in the boiling water and pour the mix through a strainer…Done.

    The Tawny Frogmouth is gorgeous ! maybe if you put out some sugary mix to attract insects it will stick around. Is it a migratory or a territorial bird ?It’s Lovely. Great picture !

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  3. Hi HEATHER:
    Isn’t he a cutie? I’m going to be hanging around in the laneway tonight to try and spot him. I’m not sure about the suing but some of the lawyers I have met in Sydney have an overwhelming sense of entitlement, so it wouldn’t surprise me if they tried to.

    TOBEME:
    I’d be spitting in the eyedropper, I think. Some people need to get over themselves.

    Hi KATE:
    It was so funny. It was actually a really comical fart. So loud and perfectly formed. Hilarious!

    He is a cute bird, all right!

    Hi PUNATIK:
    That is really funny about your friends. What characters. You’re right – their behaviour would be funnier than the fart itself. The eyedropper is just over the top, isn’t it? Can you imagine how she must treat people in other parts of her life?

    I think the Tawny Frogmouth is territorial. I’m not sure, but I think they don’t usually come into urban areas that much. Looks like I need to read up on them. He is so cute, isn’t he?

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  4. This made me laugh so much Selma. First, you are not alone with the wireless mouse fiasco. I ditched mine for that very reason. If you don’t want to ditch it, you need to get a special mouse pad – they need a thinner one than usual (ask at the shops). Your Tawny Frog Mouth is gorgeous. I’ve always had them in the backyard in Brisbane but haven’t seen any up North where I am now. I rescued a beautiful Barn Owl a couple of months back – such soft feathers. Unfortunately he died not long after (we took it to the vet).

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  5. Oh, blessed, blessed farts. They are indeed hilarious and must be laughed at. The silent ones are simply annoying. You end up with the stink, but no humor. Bullet farts are marvelous, because you know he was trying to sneak it out.

    I tried a special mousepad that was supposed to eliminate static for my optical mousie, but instead it wreaked all kinds of havoc, making the cursor jump all over the screen at light speed causing me to select things that were most inappropriate. It was a very special time for my poor little mousie.

    The Tawny Frogmouth is awesome. I wish we had them around here. The look on his face clearly states he would broker no nonsense from bugs or humorless bullet-farters.

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  6. Well, here is my favorite fart story.

    I have a friend that had a convertible when we were in high school. He had to fart REALLY BAD and knew it would be looong and loud, so he purposely drove over to an old bridge so the HOT BABE in the car wouldn’t hear him when he let loose. Well, he goes over the bridge and cuts it – only it had rained the night before so the planks had swelled up leaving NO NOISE from the bridge. The hot babe turned to him and said,

    “Are you sick?”

    hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

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  7. Oh, dear, this is too funny!

    A friend once told me ‘Women don’t fart until you’ve slept with them’… the thing is, his wife’s such a dainty, delicate little thing (think Dresden shepherdess) I can’t imagine her farting!

    Usually, we greet an ‘anal belch’ with ‘Fall out, the officers!’ or ‘I’ll name that tune in one!’ or something.

    Angle parking is something we should do more of in UK, especially in supermarket car parks. Last week, I had to wait while a woman did a NINE POINT turn to get her ‘Chelsea Tractor’ out of her parking slot, so I could get in.

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  8. Hi GABRIELLE:
    I’m sorry to hear about the barn owl. Good on you for trying to help him. I have rescued many animals and sometimes it is just too late.

    Thanks for the tip about the mousepad. I’ll try and get one tomorrow. My family will have to find something else to laugh at then!

    Hi KAREN:
    The funniest thing about that bullet fart was that the guy got all uppity about it. If I could fart like that I’d be all :’My farts can go through walls.’ Some people just don’t know when they’re on to a good thing.

    Hi TEXASBLU:
    Oh, that is hilarious. He went to so much trouble for that fart and it backfired on him (no pun intended). Talk about bad luck. I’ll bet the bridge squeaked every time he went over it after that 😆

    Hi TRAVELRAT:
    I love your ‘naming that tune in one.’ I am going to use that. It is brilliant.

    Why do people want to drive those enormous SUV thingys? I saw one the other day that you would have needed portable steps to get into. It’s insane. Oh, incidentally, they call them Toorak Tractors in Melbourne but I’m not sure what the Sydney equivalent is. Double Bay Tractors? I’ll need to find out.

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  9. You’ll like this one … and it’s reputed to be true!

    One day, in the Naval Dockyard at Portsmouth, they held an important Church Parade. All the officers and sailors turned out, dressed up in their Number One rig. Some of the personnel brought their families, who sat in the pews at the back of the church.

    And, the Port Admiral attended, resplendent in full dress, medals, sword and aiguilettes … in fact, yards of ‘brass’ … attended by his usual retinue of aides.

    Then, during the rather boring sermon, the Admiral broke wind!

    Not one of those wussy, apologetic civilian puffs, but a real military, fall-out-the-officers, bean-fed FART. Think of a small dinghy sailing across the bows of an aircraft carrier, or an elephant having a serious mischief done to it, and you’ll know what I mean.

    Silence fell, apart from the five-year-old son of a Petty Officer, who crowed excitedly:

    ‘God POPPED!!’

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  10. Hi MELEAH:
    I almost wet myself. Thank God I didn’t. What a pair we would have made – him with his farting and me wetting myself. 😆

    Hi TRAVELRAT:
    THAT IS THE BEST FART STORY EVER!!!!!! I can’t type for laughing about the elephant having a mischief done to it.
    ‘God popped.’
    It’s true.
    Excellent.

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  11. Farts can break tension…..and also wind! It’s funny that u have a problem with the mouse. I haven’t gotten used to a touch pad yet (other than while borrowing a laptop for a bit) and would have trouble using one until I got used to it.

    And you girls are going crazy over an owl like thingy? Because he eats cockroaches? Yeech!!

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  12. “I think he might be a little good luck charm sent to me by the gods”.

    I remember the first time I went to my backyard on evening and saw a Tawny Frogmouth sitting on my fence, I thought, hmmm, this is an omen of some sort.

    Have you noticed more of those black and white cranes about? I think they’re cranes they have a white body and a black head. They make a honking sound. I’m seeing them everywhere -from the south-western suburb where I live to the middle of the city where I work.

    Cheers,
    DavidM

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  13. Speaking of omens Selma – remember my blog about the pheasant coucal – well there is now a pheasant coucal (probably the same one who I hit) living in the tree in front of my verandah. I nearly passed out when I saw it, of shock. My uncle (my mums brother) had died a few days prior and it just gave me a really weird feeling, especially as the bird had survived three near death experiences.

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  14. The fart joke did make me laugh – it’s often the person who should be apologizing that expects others to apologize for something that they themselves have done!
    The coffee story intrigued me. If you serve coffee that comes in a pre ordained format, with options for extras like extra cream, sugar, chocolate syrup, etc, I would understand why some would want an option like that. Being belligerent enough to basically demand that an eye dropper be used or threaten legal action means that she is one of two people. Either she has no power anywhere else in her life, and takes out her frustrations on your friend, just because they happen to be the only one that they could do it to. Or, the other option is that she is a bully and used to getting her own way, and uses her job to intimidate people. I doubt very much if she could sue anyone for not using an eye dropper to measure her hot drink. I would think that the latter is more accurate. Tell your friend to speak to her/his manager to explain that using an eye dropper is not part of the standard coffee making process, and that to expect them to use it because one customer threatens legal action is ridiculous. I would then have them put up a sign that says “The management reserves the right to refuse service to customers with unreasonable demands”. That should put an end to it!
    With regards to Tawny Frogmouth, I have a friend who can deal with snakes and spiders but is scared to death of cockroaches – I am sure that she would love to have one!

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  15. OMG!
    I can’t stop laughing about the farts!!! And he called you rude – how dare he – he is the one who farted! I would have been laughing too! I have a cute fart story:

    Years ago I had slept over at a friend’s house and was having breakfast with her family. We were all talking and laughing and all of a sudden there was a moment of silence and in that moment of silence her mom let out this little fart that sounded like a pop! We all looked at each other and then started cracking up – it was too funny! My friend couldn’t believe her mom did that – but her mom said when the gas has to come out it has to come out! I was too funny! Sleepovers at her house were always a hoot!

    And I’m not sure what angle parking is in Australia – but I’m sure I can’t do it! I have a hard time trying to parallel park or park backwards! I will go out of the way to find parking that you just drive into! When I have friends with me they all laugh – one has even told me to switch seats so that they could park the park in a 1-2-3 motion instead of me trying it for 5mins! That was funny too! I had warned them that my parallel parking was really bad!

    I just loved this post! And an eyedropper – please! What an anal retentive person that must be LOL! Can you actually sue someone for not making their coffee?

    Thanks for this great post!

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  16. Hi ROSHAN:
    I seem to have mastered the mouse now. I don’t know what was going on with it. That little Tawny is cute and you know it 😀

    Hi DAVID:
    I have seen the cranes. A whole flock of them flew over the house the other day. The noise was unbelievable. All the other birds freaked out and flew off. I’m so glad you have a little Tawny too.

    Hi GABRIELLE:
    No way. That is uncanny. That is definitely a messenger of some sort. There seems to be some kind of connection between you and that bird. WOW.

    Hi MANOJ:
    My friend just serves her the way she wants to keep her quiet. She does tip well too, but it really is an over the top request. Just as well I’m not making the coffee, I’d be spitting in it.

    I love the little Tawny – cute and useful!

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  17. Hi TBALL:
    Better out than in, as they say. 😆

    Angle parking is parking on the street in reverse usually at an angle that is not a right angle so that you’re inclined away from the traffic. I have an excuse for having trouble with it. My car has a blind spot in reverse. Even my hubby has trouble. Well, that’s my excuse and I’m sticking to it 😉

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  18. Hi NAT:
    Now I know that birds are not really your thing, so it is very kind of you to say that. I guess when something’s cute, it’s cute.

    I do not miss retail, either. I am too old for all that nonsense. Too many people have too high opinions of themselves and treat sales assistants like dirt. Eyedropper, my Aunt Fanny…..

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  19. If I was your friend the Barista, I think I would call the Barrister’s bluff. Self important ninny! Why do some people think they are way up on some gold pedestal that us mere mortals could never ever dream of attaining. I’m surprised they allow us to breathe the same air. For that very reason she’d get a splash of milk from me and let her sue my ass. I’m thinking you can’t get blood from a stone so the best of luck to her.

    That frogmouth is just gorgeous.

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  20. Hi GYPSY:
    They’ll probably start charging us for that same air we breathe, if we’re not careful. Talk about being full of it.

    He is a cute little fella, isn’t he?

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  21. Oh, I enjoy “mixed nuts” types of posts. I am still imagining that poor soul with the eyedropper. Oy!
    That “owl look alike” photo made my morning! Fascinating. Such a stately pose and a superb photograph, Selma!

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  22. Hi GEL:
    So great to hear from you 😀 😀 😀
    The eyedropper is over the top, isn’t it? I will admit to being intrigued about that woman. What other demands must she make?

    He’s a cute wee guy, isn’t he?

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