SPURT

This little gizmo nearly severed the thumb on my right hand the other day.

It is a pill cutter.

My husband was using it to cut up the pills he takes for his heart. You should see the pills. They’re tiny little things – the size of an amoeba – you actually need a spectrum microscope to see them – and you have to cut the bloomin’ things into quarters. It’s so fiddly. I asked the doctor if they couldn’t just make them in a lower dosage but apparently they cannot.

I didn’t cut my thumb cutting the pills. I cut my thumb because my husband doesn’t need to take those particular pills anymore and me being the domestic goddess I am, oozing with all sorts of fabulousness, decided to clean the pill cutter before putting it away in the cupboard.

I’ll give you all a bit of advice. Do not just chuck a pill cutter into the general fray of the washing up and forget that it’s there and also forget it has a razor sharp stainless steel blade not a plastic blade as I thought.

Also, I am an idiot.

So there I was singing some show tunes ( I usually sing show tunes when I do the washing up. On this particular day the song in question was The Trolley Song) sink full of bubbles and hot water, the plates and cups swirling around getting all clean.

Clang, clang clang went the trolley, I sang. Ding, ding ding went the bell.

Rinse a plate. Stack a plate. Rinse a cup. Stack a cup.

The pill cutter lay at the bottom of the sink. Suddenly it was on me like the tiniest of piranhas, hacking away.

Clang, clang, clang went the trolley.

Spurt, spurt, spurt went my thumb.

It didn’t really hurt but there was blood everywhere. So much blood the world went red for a moment.

It’s funny. Nick and I were talking about screaming the other day and how we felt it was unrealistic when people screamed in movies or on TV because your average person doesn’t just scream at the drop of a hat. I claimed to have not screamed for about 20 years.

Well, I screamed a bit when I cut my thumb. Not in that Michael Myers from Hallowe’en is coming after me to cut me into little pieces with a kitchen knife kind of way you see in the horror movies; more in a half scream, half groan, half swear fest using every bad word you’ve ever heard in your life kind of scream.

There was so much blood it went all over the kitchen benchtops. The room resembled this afterwards – the perfect backdrop for a vampire flick.

I couldn’t stop the bleeding for over an hour. Usually a bit of pressure does the trick but because it was taking so long to stop I thought I might need stitches so I went to the medical centre up the road.Β  Here’s a tip for getting seen quickly at the medical centre – have a blood soaked towel wrap around your hand. I’m sure it works every time. Oh, and make sure the towel is white for a better effect.

I didn’t need stitches but the cut was quite deep so the doctor butterfly clipped it and bound it very tightly and KERPOW – finally stopped the bleeding. There was so much gauze and tape and bandage on that thumb I felt like Uma Thurman in Even Cowgirls Get The Blues or that little known superheroine who wanders the streets of Sydney – Mona Mega Thumb – gouging out the eyes of criminals with her bulbous opposable digits.

I took this shot with an X-Ray effect to highlight the mega-ness of the thumb.

Massive, isn’t it?

When your thumb is tender and possibly might start bleeding again if exerted it is very difficult to type and use a computer. It is well nigh impossible to use a mouse. But it is amazing how quickly the body heals. My thumb feels much better. However, I still haven’t taken the bandage off after three days. I am not usually queasy at the sight of blood but one thing I am not too keen on is the spurt.

So I think I’ll keep my mega thumb for one more day. And dream of superheroines on the Sydney streets.

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48 thoughts on “SPURT

  1. LOL .. and you definitely do ooze with all sorts of fabulousness, how you made cutting a thumb THAT funny I don’t know!
    Wonderfully written as always.
    x for your thumb :o)

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    1. Hahaha. Things like this always make me laugh (even though they hurt.) There is an element of the absurd about them. My thumb thanks you for the kind wishes πŸ˜€

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  2. omg I have one of those ‘bloomin’ pill cutters and fiddly is right! I have to keep adjusting my dosage of meds and cutting amoeba sized pills is a giant size pain in the ass lol

    I also sliced my finger at work this week and hollered motherf****** as my boss came around in time to see me bleeding everywhere lol Like you it took awhile to stop bleeding. It’s better now and I leave the bandage off at night but of course I bang it on EVERYTHING, of course I do lol

    Hope yours is feeling better too!

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    1. They are unbelievably fiddly, aren’t they? I’m surprised more people don’t cut themselves. Sorry to gear you cut yourself too. I think we both reacted the same way. LOL. And I keep banging my thumb too. It’s crazy πŸ˜†

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  3. I read that first line as- “This little gizmo severed my thumb” and nearly closed the blog knowing how much you like photos and positive I was going to see something I didn’t want to. Very happy your thumb is still in place. Very sorry you were attacked by a pill cutter. Evil thing.

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    1. Hahaha. I promise if I ever actually sever my thumb I won’t post any photos of it lying there. Too funny. Well, that is unless it really happens 😯

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  4. I agree, evil pill cutter indeed! So sorry to read this but I’m glad it wasn’t any worse than it was. The pain is amazing though, isn’t it? so many nerves in our fingers.

    Years ago, I severed my middle finger (a heavy window came crashing down on it) just below the knuckle. It was so painful and scary. I lived to tell the tale though and the finger is perfect, I had a wonderful Dr. to stitch it back on that awful day. Amazing but true. Have a grossed you out yet?

    Take care Sel, be careful and no more excessive cleaning ok!!!

    Hugs, G

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    1. GERALDINE! I had no idea that actually happened to you. You poor thing. That must have been horrendous. So glad there was a good doctor around. You must have been in a state of shock. Glad the finger is perfect now!

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  5. Hi Selma,
    I have never heard of a pill cutter, but a steel blade, wow very dangerous if you are not careful obviously. Hope it all heals well for you, I should imagine your poor old thumb is throbbing.

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    1. I obviously cut mostly into the fleshy part of the thumb because the pain isn’t too bad. It was the blood that got to me which is odd because I’m usually not too squeamish over blood. I really don’t know how surgeons do what they do!

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  6. Is this where we can test if your blood really is worth bottling Selma?
    This is definite proof though that a dishwasher would be a fin addition to your domestic safety regime.

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    1. IAIN! Great to hear from you. Hope you’ve been well. Don’t know if my blood is worth bottling but it was a very nice shade of red. Haha. Thanks for stopping by. I mean that!

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      1. Oh don’t for a minute think that my not commenting here does not mean that your blog is of my daily blog crawl (like a pub crawl but with tea rather than beer πŸ˜‰ ) because I love reading your blog and I particularly liked the red scream picture you have in this post :Grin:

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  7. Personally, I think it’s a plot, all those little sharp gizmos out to take over. My personal nemesis is the cheese grater, which always grates off a few millimeters of my fingers along with the cheese.

    You’re right about the movie screaming. I’ve never heard anyone scream outside a theatre. I’ve only screamed once in my life, and that was in a hospital. It didn’t sound ANYTHING like a movie scream.

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    1. Oh don’t, Patti. Those cheese graters are horrible things. I also have this gizmo that juliennes vegetables and it is deadly. Far too sharp. I hide it so everyone forgets to use it. It should come with a licence.

      Know what you mean about the scream. It is very different from what we’re led to believe!

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  8. Heh,,,hehe, it’s not funny, I know, and I’m not laughing at you..but with you…Restaurant rule #1…NEVER put chopping knives in sink full of water…unless you want a 3 finger dishwasher stabbing you to death!!! And you’re still typing, so, I’m assuming you still have at LEAST 1 finger left…Hehe
    God Bless You\
    paul

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    1. I could never be a chef. I would have so many injuries after one week it would be ridiculous. Yes, I still have a few fingers left. For now *insert sinister pipe organ music and an evil laugh here*

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  9. OH WOW YOU SOUND LIKE ME!!! Actually I am EXTREMELY dangerous in the kitchen… me=knife=blood. We could be “blood brothers!” Sisters… well, you know what I mean!

    So sorry you had to go through that…. I hate when you cut yourself, don’t feel it too much then see how bad it is and feel sick. Ugh!

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  10. Yucky yuck yuck! Its true I always forget sharp edge stuff and when I dig for things – yikes! Bleeding. It always makes for a funny scene but damn it is painful. And you just made it even more funnier in this post. I will on the lookout for Aussie chick superheroes. What;s ur costume like?

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    1. I am the same. I’ll need to get someone to clean the sharp stuff for me in the future. I am thinking my costume would be all red – for the blood. With knee high, lace up red platform boots (might as well be groovy) and a gold cape. Can you imagine? Hilarious!!

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  11. sneaky surprise attack by a pillcutter! yeah those critters are mean. i would have thrown it on the floor, stomped on it, probably cut my foot too. but you, you took a picture of thine enemy the vicious pillcutter. now that is forgiveness!

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    1. Yes. The pill cutter and I have made up. It is frequently misunderstood. I thought about throwing it on the floor too and definitely would have cut myself if I had. Thank goodness I waas bleeding too much to do it or I’d be in a worse state right now. LOL.

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  12. hahaha – oh sheesh, should I be laughing at all that blood? But I love the photos! And the story telling! You are a blogger of marvellous mega-ness.

    (It’s never my fault either.)

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  13. Very funny, in a sad “or your poor thumb” kind of way. πŸ™‚ I cringe every time I see one of those televised cooking shows and the chef is fiddling about with the knife, chopping, then wiping the blade with their fingers. I did that. Once. Bloody onions do not go in soup.

    And you’re right about the screaming. My fear usually comes out in one of those un-pretty shrieks of foul language that would make a dock hand blush.

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    1. I think that is very true. Often there is a comic element to some of the bad things that happen to us and you know me, I do like a good laugh. Laughter has kept me sane through many a dark night. My thumb is feeling a lot better now. Thanks, hon.

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  14. Haha had to add something, Aussies must like to live dangerously…I was cutting pills with my splitter today and I noticed that the blade is covered with a thin piece of plastic so it’s more like crunching it in half or quarters instead of slicing it. I was surprised the razor blade doesn’t cut through the plastic! lol You need one of those plastic flaps on yours!

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    1. I want a plastic bit on my blade!!! Seriously though, it is a bit of a design flaw. I would suspect quite a few people would have cut themselves by now. But then we Aussies do like to live dangerously – we don’t wrestle crocs anymore; now we wrestle pill cutters!!!

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