Shell Shocked

Shell shocked. It’s the only way to describe how I feel after the week I’ve had.

You won’t believe it when I tell you what happened last week. You’ll think I’m making it up.

Let me elucidate…..

At the beginning of the week I was beset with money worries. Captain Hindsight came to visit me and it was a sobering case of If-I-knew-then-what-I-know-now. Let’s just say that if I had known then what is apparent now, that bar my husband has put his blood, sweat and tears into would not be in existence right now. People show their true colours when it comes to money. That’s all I’m saying. As well as the fact that Captain Hindsight is always right.

As a result of Captain Hindsight’s wisdom and all these true colours hitting the light I had to have a conversation with my alter ego, Lilian, and no I am not hearing voices in my head, but sometimes it does help to talk to myself….

The conversation went something like this –

ME:  How the bloomin’ heck am I going to pay my rent this month?

LILIAN: Well, you could roll about in the dirt, get a sheet of cardboard that says ‘ONE OF THE DISENFRANCHISED AND DISENCHANTED MEMBERS OF SOCIETY. KEPT WAITING FOR MY SHIP TO COME IN BUT IT WAS TORPEDOED BY  CORPORATE HEARTLESSNESS. PLEASE HELP OR KICK MORE DIRT IN MY FACE. WHATEVER FLOATS YOUR BOAT.’

(Lilian has always been a bit perverse with her advice-giving. I don’t know why I talk to her, really…)

ME: Can’t you give me a practical, sensible plan of action?

LILIAN: Well, I hear there’s lots of free spots on William Street at the moment….

(For those of you who don’t live in Sydney, William Street is in Darlinghurst, near Kings Cross and is a well known red light district. You can see why Lilian tests my patience….)

ME: You’re not helping at all.

LILIAN: You could borrow the money. Or ask for help.

So I did. It was a relief to ask. Sometimes Lilian comes up trumps. A friend of mine told me I have a bad attitude to money. She thinks I view myself as someone who will never have enough money and because of that keep myself in the rut I’m in. She thinks I should set my intentions higher, to do more things I love instead of all these random, unsatisfying jobs I do just to keep grocery money coming in. All that higher intention setting is scary…but I know she’s right. Higher intentions AHOY!!! but boy, it’s a long way up….

The week didn’t improve, sadly. My Uncle Sean died on Tuesday. He had a severe hypoglycemic attack which caused him to collapse. He had been in hospital but was on home release as a trial. He was found dead on the kitchen floor the next day by my Aunt. I haven’t been able to stop crying about it…he was my favourite uncle. And to die alone like that….I can’t even really speak about it.

Then on Wednesday my alcoholic, axe-wielding, wife-beating brother in law was put in jail for an entire year for breaching the terms of his AVO. He wasn’t allowed to drink but was drunk all the time. He even turned up drunk to the courtroom on the day of his sentencing and started having a go at the magistrate. It is possible someone might kill him in jail…he is very antagonistic and likes to pick fights. Not great qualities to exhibit while in lock-up. I am praying he has a sex-starved cell mate named Bubba.

Now you might think I’m making this up, but there is more to come. My Great Aunt Maggie died on Thursday. She was 95 and suffering from Alzheimer’s, but it was still a shock. I will never forget her love of Patti Page, Johnny Mathis, Guinness and treacle tart (not necessarily in that order…)

The saddest thing about her death for me is the way the Irish cousins are fighting over her stuff. She owned a lot of land and property, never married and had no children..so they are plunging into her estate with gusto. It’s a disgrace.

Thursday was a busy day. My Mum was rushed to hospital with shortness of breath. Initially the doctors couldn’t find what was wrong with her but after five hours of testing they found blood clots on both lungs. If she hadn’t gone to hospital that day she might have died. They don’t know what caused it but think it may be due to air travel (she flies a lot). She is on Warfarin for the foreseeable future which has issues of its own such as a restricted diet and the danger of bleeding. It’s scary stuff.

The hardest thing for me was going to the hospital, sitting there all day, trying to be as supportive as I could when my family and I have been so estranged of late. I won’t lie…. it was tough. I was received well enough but there were lots of awkward silences and I could feel the resentment hanging in the air between us. I try so hard to do the right thing with my family but I have come to the conclusion I will never truly win with them so all I can do is what I think is the right thing.

So that was my week. I am stunned at the moment. I do feel like a tiny little furry animal stuck in the headlights of a huge semi-trailer that is bearing down on me.

I saw this statue in the local vintage store and have been looking at the photo of it several times a day.

In an odd kind of way it seems to helping.

Seeking words of wisdom….

Hope that all of your weeks have been much, much better than mine.

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36 thoughts on “Shell Shocked

  1. Big hugs. Keep holding on Selma. It’s going to be okay. (We’ll remember this moment on a beach someday in our polka dot flip flops, clinking our mojitos and pulling our giant hats down to shade our eyes as we laugh.)

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  2. OMG! You’re right. Unbelievable. First, I’m so sorry about your Uncle Sean and Great Aunt Maggie (though it sounds like she had a long, entertaining, and delicious life). Thank goodness your Mum knew she needed medical attention. I have to tell you, though, you are such a good writer, you made your week’s horror show entertaining. Oh, and I’m sending wishes that your brother-in-law enjoys a warm close and personal relationship with Bubba.

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    1. Weeks like that don’t come along every week. At least I hope they don’t 😯
      I am laughing about Bubba….. Thanks for being there, Patti xx

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  3. It never rains but it pours in your neck of the woods! My condolences for the loss of your two relatives. Really sorry to hear about your Mum – sounds serious – and it must have been so difficult for you to be around your rellies after everything that has happened. So you have Irish and Scottish heritage (I only have Irish – so am allowed as much scotch whiskey as I want 😉 ). Despite your week from hell you have managed to entertain us with your witticisms – love Lilian :). I love the statue of Mary. ps. the bar is still really, really, really cool

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    1. Someone told me it was a confluence of the planets that caused all the drama. I don’t know what that actually means but I want those planets to stop confluencing right now. Yeah, I’m half and half, Gabe. Half Scottish, half Irish and a splash of Aussie by default. No Bogan that I know of, but I live in hope…haha. Yes, Lilian is a character even though she can’t behave herself. I like the statue too. And the bar is cool even though it has caused so much trouble. Thanks for your support, Gabe xxxx

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  4. Oh, dear me! What can I say?

    At times such as this, I think of the ill-fated ‘Bravo 20’ patrol, captured by the Iraqis in the Gulf War.

    They’d been beaten, starved and kept in filthy, cramped conditions … and one of the soldiers cheered them up by saying:

    ‘Never mind, lads! At least, they can’t get us pregnant!’

    Sending you a big cyber-hug ….

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  5. Good grief lady, you really have had a bitch kitty of a week! Sorry to hear about your aunt and uncle and you did the right thing regarding your mum. You’d feel terrible if something had happened to her and you let the resentment and hard feelings keep you away. You did good ignoring the bad mojo floating around.

    It has to get better, Law of averages says so! Chin up girlie and huge hugs! xoxo

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    1. BITCH KITTY!!!! I absolutely love that. I’m going to use it from now on. What an awesome expression. It fits so well. I had to go and see my Mum, you know? It wouldn’t have been right otherwise and I wouldn’t have been able to live with myself if anything really bad happened. It was hard but I’m glad I did it. Thanks for your humour and support, Cathy xxx

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  6. it sounded like a very long week. at such times, I wonder how the world just keeps spinning and not fall off its axis. I wish you better days and sunny skies.

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    1. It WAS a long one, Lissa. You’re so right – sometimes it does feel like the world might spin off its axis. Very well put. The sunny skies are coming back a bit. Thank goodness. Thank you for your kindness xxx

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    1. Thank you so much, Bluebee. It’ll pass, but I wasn’t prepared for so much at once. Thank goodness for tacky reality TV – it takes my mind off things. However, things are not yet so bad that I am reduced to watching The Shire or that show about Lara Bingle. There is still hope. LOL.

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    1. It was unbelievable, slpmartin. I have been walking about in a daze. I am sure things will get back on the right track very soon. Thank you xxx

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  7. selma, so sorry. it never rains, it pours. i have a friend who has a way with money i aspire to: she LOVES it, she calls it ‘mr. money’ and he’s a honey.
    in contrast to me, who curses him out regularly for not fulfilling my needs.
    ok, that said, being as how attitude has some grace here, i grapple with the socalled reality of paying the bills, always a challenge. this friend told me i might have set myself up because lord knows i love a challenge. now if i could just shift that into loving mr. money, who knows what might happen.
    but my practical side says, get more work. work work work, i guess i must love work too haha. i have to sit down with my self as you did and talk about what i really love and/or value. but the gas bill, i said to myself, requires that i do more work NOW. but its not just doing it, it is finding it first argh. that requires some legwork, and yes, almost begging ugh. politely inquiring if i can do some graphics or design some something for anyone, everyone, so it is like being on a treadmill, which i also must love somehow, cuz i’m always doing it.
    let’s change! whether it takes a revelation, a revolution, a revolving, or an evolving, let’s do it, ok? meanwhile, i hope you have a paypal account, put the link here, i bet we could each afford a few bucks to deposit into it. it might help. having you here is surely worth it! xxx

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    1. You are so kind, Tipota, to suggest a collection for me, but there is no need. I am blown away with the suggestion, however, it shows the measure of you, my dear friend. You have such a generous heart.

      I understand exactly what you’re saying about money. Your friend definitely has the right attitude. I have a bit of a negative attitude to money because of all the bad things I have seen it do, but the truth is, none of us can do without it so maybe I should learn to love it too. Thank you for your constant support, Tipota. You are a beautiful person xxxx

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  8. My dear friend, I’m so sorry to hear about your week. I’m sending you virtual hugs this very minute. Losing someone you love, no matter how ill they may have been, is still a shock and terribly sad. I’m glad you have wonderful memories of your aunt and uncle, may they bring you comfort in your time of sorrow.

    Money. Ugh. It keeps me stuck in a job I’m starting to dislike (because I don’t heal fast enough any more) so I’m hoping to find something to help keep us sheltered and fed. But I like what your friend said, although it would scare me to pieces. 🙂 I do hope you find what you’re looking for and things turn around for you soon.

    Take gentle care, my dear friend. Keeping you close in my thoughts.

    Karen

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    1. Thank you for your kind words. Karen. I know exactly what you mean about money. Stepping out of that comfort zone and aiming higher is terrifying. I am comfortable in my cosy little rut but it is getting me nowhere fast. I’ve just got to take the plunge and dive into the pool of the unknown variable. SPLASH!!!! Love you xxx

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    1. Awwww thanks, sirrah. I have missed you too. I am so behind in my blog reading it just isn’t funny. I miss it all so much. I love you too ♥

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  9. Man, you actually made my week look pretty good. I’m just so sad to hear about your aunt & uncle, sure hope your mum will look after herself, good girl for sitting at the hospital with her.
    As for money troubles, they sometimes have a way of fixing themselves or at least will not look as bleak down the line. Let me know if there’s anything we could do to help, besides hugging you in my heart xo

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    1. You are so lovely and kind, Susan. THANK YOU. Yeah, it’s true, anything to do with the almighty dollar does have a way of sorting itself out. It’ll be fine in the long run, I suspect. Things can only get better, right? Thank you for being there xxxx

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  10. Selma, so sorry I’m only catching up now 😦 sincere condolences all round for you loss and a heartfelt wish that the universe has finished buggering you around and it will be you turn for peace and harmony! Extra prayers for mum and a double thumbs up for karma and her big prison stick 😀

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    1. Oh, Bandsmoke, I can’t type for laughing at the image of the big prison stick. That is hilarious 😆

      Thank you for your kind wishes…they really mean a lot to me. It was a real shock to go through all that at once, but it is getting easier to cope with xxxx

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  11. My week has been kind of mixed with good and bad. I just came back from my two week trip from Leh Ladakh. The trip was fantastic but the stillness of the office and the laziness of the home, makes me want to go back to the barren mountains. The statue of Mother Mary seems to say with her arms open, that all you need is to surrender to her, and she will take care of you 🙂

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  12. I am glad you listened to “Lillian” and that you asked for help. I know how difficult that is for you to do.

    I am terribly sorry to hear about the passing of your Uncle Sean, and your Aunt Maggie – how sad. Sending love & hugs.

    I am THRILLED hat bastard is in jail. [excuse my language]

    Good lord, your mom was in the hospital too? I know things haven’t been great for you with your family, I can’t even imagine how horrible it must have been in that room all day.

    Selma, how are you even breathing right now?

    Holy crap, woman!

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    1. I don’t know how I’m still breathing, Meleah. It’s just one day at a time at the moment. It’s all I can do. The way I look at it is that things HAVE to get better. They certainly can’t get any worse 😉

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