Shell Shocked

Shell shocked. It’s the only way to describe how I feel after the week I’ve had.

You won’t believe it when I tell you what happened last week. You’ll think I’m making it up.

Let me elucidate…..

At the beginning of the week I was beset with money worries. Captain Hindsight came to visit me and it was a sobering case of If-I-knew-then-what-I-know-now. Let’s just say that if I had known then what is apparent now, that bar my husband has put his blood, sweat and tears into would not be in existence right now. People show their true colours when it comes to money. That’s all I’m saying. As well as the fact that Captain Hindsight is always right.

As a result of Captain Hindsight’s wisdom and all these true colours hitting the light I had to have a conversation with my alter ego, Lilian, and no I am not hearing voices in my head, but sometimes it does help to talk to myself….

The conversation went something like this –

ME:  How the bloomin’ heck am I going to pay my rent this month?

LILIAN: Well, you could roll about in the dirt, get a sheet of cardboard that says ‘ONE OF THE DISENFRANCHISED AND DISENCHANTED MEMBERS OF SOCIETY. KEPT WAITING FOR MY SHIP TO COME IN BUT IT WAS TORPEDOED BY  CORPORATE HEARTLESSNESS. PLEASE HELP OR KICK MORE DIRT IN MY FACE. WHATEVER FLOATS YOUR BOAT.’

(Lilian has always been a bit perverse with her advice-giving. I don’t know why I talk to her, really…)

ME: Can’t you give me a practical, sensible plan of action?

LILIAN: Well, I hear there’s lots of free spots on William Street at the moment….

(For those of you who don’t live in Sydney, William Street is in Darlinghurst, near Kings Cross and is a well known red light district. You can see why Lilian tests my patience….)

ME: You’re not helping at all.

LILIAN: You could borrow the money. Or ask for help.

So I did. It was a relief to ask. Sometimes Lilian comes up trumps. A friend of mine told me I have a bad attitude to money. She thinks I view myself as someone who will never have enough money and because of that keep myself in the rut I’m in. She thinks I should set my intentions higher, to do more things I love instead of all these random, unsatisfying jobs I do just to keep grocery money coming in. All that higher intention setting is scary…but I know she’s right. Higher intentions AHOY!!! but boy, it’s a long way up….

The week didn’t improve, sadly. My Uncle Sean died on Tuesday. He had a severe hypoglycemic attack which caused him to collapse. He had been in hospital but was on home release as a trial. He was found dead on the kitchen floor the next day by my Aunt. I haven’t been able to stop crying about it…he was my favourite uncle. And to die alone like that….I can’t even really speak about it.

Then on Wednesday my alcoholic, axe-wielding, wife-beating brother in law was put in jail for an entire year for breaching the terms of his AVO. He wasn’t allowed to drink but was drunk all the time. He even turned up drunk to the courtroom on the day of his sentencing and started having a go at the magistrate. It is possible someone might kill him in jail…he is very antagonistic and likes to pick fights. Not great qualities to exhibit while in lock-up. I am praying he has a sex-starved cell mate named Bubba.

Now you might think I’m making this up, but there is more to come. My Great Aunt Maggie died on Thursday. She was 95 and suffering from Alzheimer’s, but it was still a shock. I will never forget her love of Patti Page, Johnny Mathis, Guinness and treacle tart (not necessarily in that order…)

The saddest thing about her death for me is the way the Irish cousins are fighting over her stuff. She owned a lot of land and property, never married and had no children..so they are plunging into her estate with gusto. It’s a disgrace.

Thursday was a busy day. My Mum was rushed to hospital with shortness of breath. Initially the doctors couldn’t find what was wrong with her but after five hours of testing they found blood clots on both lungs. If she hadn’t gone to hospital that day she might have died. They don’t know what caused it but think it may be due to air travel (she flies a lot). She is on Warfarin for the foreseeable future which has issues of its own such as a restricted diet and the danger of bleeding. It’s scary stuff.

The hardest thing for me was going to the hospital, sitting there all day, trying to be as supportive as I could when my family and I have been so estranged of late. I won’t lie…. it was tough. I was received well enough but there were lots of awkward silences and I could feel the resentment hanging in the air between us. I try so hard to do the right thing with my family but I have come to the conclusion I will never truly win with them so all I can do is what I think is the right thing.

So that was my week. I am stunned at the moment. I do feel like a tiny little furry animal stuck in the headlights of a huge semi-trailer that is bearing down on me.

I saw this statue in the local vintage store and have been looking at the photo of it several times a day.

In an odd kind of way it seems to helping.

Seeking words of wisdom….

Hope that all of your weeks have been much, much better than mine.