The Oxford Dictionary defines panic as : a sudden uncontrollable fear or alarm or infectious fright
I saw this piece of street art in the midst of a state of panic and felt it was pertinent to me with its slightly greenish hues and face dripping with paint. I wonder if the artist knew at the time that he would mirror my situation perfectly.
I haven’t been able to write or do much of anything for the past couple of weeks because I have been panic-stricken. It has been hell, there is no way of sugar coating it. Hell on anxiety-shaped wheels.
We have been trying to sell our stake in my husband’s former business and I have been shocked, blindsided and thrown over the edge into the well by the game-playing, backstabbing and out and out bastardry that has gone on. The past two weeks have made me realise that when it comes to certain business dealings many people have an internal corrupt corporate banker just waiting to get out.
Our percentage was valued at a fair price – we wouldn’t have been rich but it would have meant we could have segued into another venture quite easily – but that original figure was slashed, pillaged and burned so much that now we will get what you might expect from selling your five year old car at auction. To a bunch of car salesman sharks.
It has been a sobering experience. The hardest thing about it has been the sense of powerlessness we have felt. We can’t not sell our part of the business because we have no money and in a sense are completely backed into a corner. So we put out our hands, let the thumb screws be applied, and took a fire sale price.
I had a moment while it was all going down. A bit of a why- is- this- happening- after- all- that- work moment. A bit of a how- many- knockbacks- is- one- person- expected- to- take moment. A bit of a loss of faith in the universe moment.
I got through it. It’s a miracle that I did, but I am now feeling I can deal with whatever other pus-encrusted crap the universe decides to throw at me. At first I didn’t realise how I got through it. Or why. And then it hit me.
Goodness. The goodness of others. People caring. People being there. People giving a damn. That’s what got me through.
It’s not just the phone calls, the emails, the coming over with emergency chocolate that has got me through; the indirect goodness has also helped. Funny things on Twitter. Podcasts that have lifted my spirits. Blog posts that have had nothing to do with me at all but have shown me there are more good people out there than bad. (I read a blog post last week about a woman who had rescued a dog that was close to death and now the dog is all better and all jolly and a part of the family. That made me happy cry all week and rejoice that such goodness existed….)
Goodness. We should celebrate it more than we do. It is so much more powerful than badness. It is birdsong at dawn, it is the fresh smell of rain on wet earth, it is tiny flowers blooming. Goodness. The best antidote to panic.