I didn’t think I was going to make it through the past month. I thought it was going to finish me off, for sure. I won’t lie – I had a bit of a breakdown, got really sick and spent nearly two weeks gripped by the most awful anxiety. It was awful…I would have done anything to get rid of that twisting, churning knot of fear in my stomach. I couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep. I felt as if I was barely alive.
All of that because of money. Money. Oh you, odious, horrible, foul thing.
We waited and we waited for the sale of our share of the business to go through. There were so many delays, so many excuses. I nearly felt myself crack in two because the anxiety was stopping me from doing anything to get more money. I literally couldn’t get out of bed or write a single sentence. I was chained deep within the well of my anxiety.
Then at the end of last week the money finally came through – a pittance, a slap in the face after all the work that had been done, all the blood spilled on the floor – but it is enough, enough to get us going again.
It’ll be hard work, it’ll be nerve-wracking, but we are determined to make the most of what we have and work our butts off so we are never placed in such a position of powerlessness again. Or betrayed by people we thought had our backs.
Lots of lessons have been learned. There have been lots of things to be grateful for – my father, loaning me money after all that we have been through, friends buying groceries, coming over with a bottle of wine. Emails and letters offering the kindest of words…making me realise that the love out there in this world that seems at times so cold…the love out there is strong.
Another lesson (and perhaps the most important one) is to try where possible to take stressful times one day at a time. One day. Don’t get too far ahead of yourself imagining all kinds of everything-is-going-to-go-wrong scenarios. Envisioning the apocalypse. One day at a time is the way to go.
Thank you to you all, dear friends. You have helped me more than you could possibly know. I won’t ever forget it. I love you all.