I’m back. It was a close call there for a bit but I managed to pull myself out of the dark. Or get pulled out by those who didn’t want to see me fall down something a lot more gruesome than Alice’s rabbit hole.
I had a breakdown. Nervous/mental exhaustion they call it these days. Sounds very PC doesn’t it? I guess breakdown sounds far too brutal a thing for anyone to go through…as if you’re a vase knocked off a table that might never be able to be glued back together again.
Everything just became too much for me. It’s been quite a year but what pushed me to the brink thinking my only option was to JUMP JUMP JUMP were two things.
First of all my axe-wielding, firestarting, fish poisoning brother-in-law got out of jail on an appeal and straight away without even drawing a breath or acknowledging what anyone in the family had done for her, my sister decided she still loved him and moved back in with him. To say I was speechless was putting it mildly. I still don’t know what to think about it all.
Then my Mum had some tests done and it looked like she might have inoperable uterine cancer and might only have a year to live. I was devastated because cancer – it’s such a scary word – but also, my Mum and I have just found each other agan after all those years of estrangement and to lose her so quickly just when things were starting to go so well…..it just seemed so cruel.
So I fell. Down, down, down. I couldn’t get out of bed for ten days. I just lay there in a semi-vegetative state. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep. It was close to what I imagine being in hell would be like. I was put on anti-depressants and Valium. It was a mother-freaking nightmare.
But slowly, ever so slowly, the sun began to come out again. Maybe it was the sound of the birds singing in the trees. Maybe it was the fact that I was growing sick of missing out on the latest episodes of Keeping Up With The Kardashians by lying in bed all day….but something began to pull me back from the brink.
I saw this on I Can Read and I just loved it. It says everything I want to say at the moment.
Because we all fall, don’t we? At one time or another, but it’s how well we get up again that counts.
My Mum’s prognosis is not as bad as originally thought and my sister seems happy enough and as of yet has not been subject to any violence. That will do for now. For today.
Thank you to all of you who emailed and called. I am sorry I haven’t responded to all of you, but I will. You helped me more than you could possibly know. I love you all. Heaps xxxx